Today the 20th of november 2017, you would have turned 60.
It’s such a beautiful day, because your mom gave you life 60 years ago.
I miss that, the day before it was my birthday you always told me about you being pregnant of me. And how easy and almost pleasant you experienced giving birth to me. How happy you were when the midwife told you, you could take a shower right after. We always took a moment together to stand still and we laughed about my dad who thought that he had a second son for a couple of seconds.
I miss the days before my birthday when you always said ‘enjoy your New year’s Eve’. As if fireworks would start at 12 o’clock. And that’s how it honestly is. There is nothing more beautiful than a mother giving birth to her child. It’s worth a celebration more so for you.
Such a joyful day like today stand in a line with other days that I’d rather forget. Days that I prefer not to think about. The day when we knew that you were terminally ill. The day that you went to the hospice. The day you passed away and the day of your funeral. Days that do not represent your life. But they do say that your life here has ended.
3 years ago you felt fit enough to celebrate your birthday, although by that time you were really sick. A select group of the most important people in your life where there. From a distance I saw you enjoying every moment. I kept hoping that this would not be the last time.
You were so surprised by the amount of birthday cards and flowers you received. The whole living room was full of bouquets and the big plate, where all the cards after being red were carefully placed on, was no longer visible. We took photos of you together with your brothers and sisters, while you couldn’t stop laughing.
Less than two weeks later, the walk from the bedroom to the living room became a challenge for you. In the following weeks you crawled into your safe self in order to make the right decision.
Even though you are not physically here, you feel close, as if you have never left. You are in my heart and I am 100% sure that you know exactly what i am doing in my life.
It’s as if I sometimes hear you whispering in my ear ‘You’re doing great’ or when I feel your laugh echoing in my heart.
The intense sad feeling of missing you will never change. I learn to live with it, a little better every day. I carry you with me in my heart, or if you want you can sit on my shoulder for a while and enjoy the sunsets and the beautiful white sandy beaches I’m seeing here.
Today I celebrate life. Something I never thought about before your death. Today I celebrate all the ‘New year’s Eves’ That I’ve had with you, all the days we had coffee together, the days that I just dropped by and we sat on the couch together and we didn’t say anything for hours. The days that we laughed so hard that mostly you almost peed your pants and had to run to the toilet.
I just forget about the rest,
I Love you
I honestly still don’t know and I’m still in the process of finding the answers. Maybe there is not one answer, or any, but I know I want to listen better to this voice and feel more of this feeling that I feel in my gut that I’m not sure of what it is.
In this part 3 I will share my routines, or not?
This is part 2 where I will share what I learned about living in a community.